Avoid the Top 10 Mistakes Women Make After Divorce

Here are the top ten reasons women stay miserable and depressed after a divorce - and how to make sure you avoid every one of these common, yet devastating mistakes...

Mistake #1... The Failure Tattoo
Are you going through the motions of your life with a permanent tattoo on your forehead?  No matter what you do or what the circumstances of your divorce the word FAILURE is emblazoned in your mind like a tattoo?
And the crazy thing is - everyone sees it!
How is it that other women get through their divorce without this scar?  Nobody understands you...And you can't explain your story to everyone.  YOU'RE JUST STUCK.  You are doomed to the fate of a woman whose life is ruined by a failed marriage.
Just like me, you've probably walked into a room of women, whom you thought were your friends, and suddenly that tattoo is flashing like a neon sign.  No one knows what to say and everyone is so pathetic with their "well wishes".  I don't know about you, but when it happened to me, I just wanted to run home and hide.  I was so uncomfortable.
But the TRUTH is that I was uncomfortable because I FELT LIKE A FAILURE.  And the feelings were so transparent that this belief created the "I'm a failure" energy I carried around.  Everyone I came into contact with felt it.  I was a failure, because I believed I was.  This was hard to admit to myself.
I created the failure tattoo and only I could remove it.  
I made a choice to feel like a failure. What other choices were available to me?

I could choose to feel "free at last"...
I could choose to feel "excited about the possibility of a whole new life"...
I could choose to feel "sexy and lovable just the way I am"...  

Let's be honest here.

Who you are and what you think about yourself is in
your control.  So if you refuse to allow the failure thought to
show up - what other thoughts would you have? "You are NOT a Failure".

I know this might blow your excuse for hiding out
and licking your wounds, but I've known lots of women
who have gone through divorce and are now happier and
healthier than they ever dreamed possible.

How long are you going to use the FAILURE excuse to
stay miserable?  The FAILURE excuse is not serving you
or helping you move on with your life...in fact, it's the
one thing that's holding your back.

All you have to do is accept this simple fact:
YOUR MARRIAGE FAILED.  That's it.  That does
not mean that YOU are a failure.  (You make that choice.)


Mistake #2...  Thinking You Can Numb Out
and Move On

I know.  I know.  You feel miserable.  And who wants to
feel miserable all the time?  If you can buy some happy pills
and feel better, then it's worth it.

Or if you can just get through the day...

Then you can get home to that glass of wine...or two...
or that bottle of beer...or three...or more...

How can you go wrong with that?  It gets you
through the day...

And sometimes you get through the night too...

I'm being completely honest here, I could go through a
WHOLE BOTTLE OF WINE EVERY NIGHT.  And if I
timed it just right - by the time I fell asleep, I could make
it to 5:30 or 6am without waking up.
But after a few months of this I still felt miserable and
the only thing that really changed was I had a serious
dependence on wine.

Whether you use an anti-depressant, sleeping pills, alcohol
or wine, the end result is you numb out the one thing that
can set you on the road to healing yourself.  

YOU CANNOT HEAL WHAT YOU CANNOT FEEL.

Doubt me?

Just ask any happily divorced woman if her healing came
as a result of drugs or alcohol?  

To go inside and be with your pain requires that you
choose to be with your "naked" self.  The part of you that
is not numb, the part of you that was happy, carefree, and
excited.  The woman you were before you got married...
when you were full of hope and possibility and joy.  

To get back to who you were, you have to release your
desire to be numb.  You must be willing to be miserable. 
Give your miserable self a chance to speak up.  And listen
to the wisdom of your miserable self.  Your miserable self
will become your inner teacher.

Your power to heal lies in your vulnerability and your
willingness to be with the pain.


Mistake #3...  The Wicked Witch of Revenge

Divorce is one life event where you may come face to face
with YOUR DIABOLICAL, EVIL SELF.  Your fear and
struggle are so big that you get stuck in your endless
stream of self talk...

"How could he do what he did?"

"Somehow, someway, I'll get even..."

"How could I be so stupid?"

"How can I make it on my own?"

Focusing on these questions and these hurts is a surefire
way to keep you tied to the past.  When you are STUCK
IN THE CYCLONE OF PAIN AND BLAME there's no
way back to the life you once had.

I've heard many wicked revenge stories for pending
divorce husbands... From cleaning the toilet with his
toothbrush to flicking ashes in his coffee, to using super
glue to attach his "unfaithful organ" to his leg (this needed
to be surgically cut loose...).

There is only one way out of this crazy mess.  And that is
letting go.  The sweetest revenge you will ever have is to
come quickly through this divorce to a happy life.  It is
impossible to move on, if you stay stuck in blame
and anger.  

Whether you focus blame on him, on the other woman, on
his mother, or on yourself... Blaming someone or
something will hold you in THE MISERY OF A
BROKEN MARRIAGE FOREVER.  

Let go of him and the life you once had...

Whatever it takes.

Your relationship with YOU holds the magic key to your new life.


Mistake #4...  Confuse Being Alone with Being
with Yourself

I've talked to hundreds of divorced women and the biggest
heartache of their situation is the emptiness.  It's more than
being alone - it's A DISORIENTING EMPTY FEELING
TO BE SINGLE, without a partner, after years of marriage.  

If you are like me, you probably can appreciate exactly
what I am talking about.  It's like an invisible shadow that
goes around with you - it's an energetic field of
"somebody" but "nobody's" there.  It's empty energy,
and you feel it.

This was most disturbing to me.

The energy was all around.  Where he used to sit in
the family room... Where his clothes hung in the closet...
Where he sat at the table for meals... I know you've felt it. 
It's a loss unlike any other.  

You are alone.

But not really...

You still are with yourself.  And YOU ARE THE ONLY
PERSON THAT WILL BE THERE FOR YOU...
no matter what.  Before the marriage, during the marriage,
and after the divorce.  

The quality of your life is completely dependent on the
quality of your relationship with YOU.

Have you taken a look at yourself lately?

I know I was COMPLETELY AVOIDING ME.  I had 20
extra pounds that I'd carried around for the last 15 years. 
I hated my shape.  The clothes I liked didn't fit anymore.  I
spent no time meditating or going inside to just be still
and be present to my highest self.

It never occurred to me that someone I once loved
was right here inside of me.

So I consciously made a dramatic change in being with
myself.  I got up early in the morning before everyone else
and sat with myself.  I would meditate, read or journal. 
That 30 minutes I gave myself was an unbelievable gift. 
It gave me the space to turn off the noisy dialog in my
head and just be present with me.

The practice of finding time to be with yourself is your
spiritual wake-up call.  You get an opportunity to
REDISCOVER WHO YOU ARE and to create
the life you love.


Mistake # 5... Being the Tough Cookie

You can get through this... at least that's what you
tell yourself.  

If you can get through each day, then things are bound
to start feeling better.

If you are anything like me, I JUST ISOLATED MYSELF
reading or listening to personal growth books... I just kept
hoping those positive feelings would stick... but they were
always short-lived.

By refusing to get some kind of help, you prolong your
misery and you don't get the support you need.  

I really needed to move on.  I wanted to GET OUT OF
THE QUICK SAND OF MISERY and feel capable of
doing stuff and feeling something good again.  

The kind of help that I eventually found was a coach. 
I was done with therapists, because I just didn't want to talk
about it anymore.  I had spent so many miserable years
before my divorce that all I wanted was a SUPER
HIGHWAY TO HAPPINESS.  

I wanted action steps and accountability.

Only you can decide what kind of help is best for you,
but getting help is important.  You need someone else to
HELP WAKE YOU UP - because you are basically
sleepwalking through your life.

Not only did I get a chance to wake up for 60 to 90
minutes a week, but I got to really check in on the drama
of my situation.  I got to figure out the parts of my story
that were FACT or FICTION...  

Thoughts can create so much doubt and worry that fiction
becomes fact and we get trapped into believing stuff that's
not even true.


Mistake #6...  Think, Speak and Repeat:
A Recipe for Misery

Have you noticed how often you think about your present
circumstance?  How much time do you spend thinking
about what you could, would, or should, have said to your ex???

These thoughts and dialogs run non-stop, if you
are anything like me.

It's the ENDLESS LOOP OF FEAR, REGRET,
AND HEARTACHE.

I was continually playing this bad movie over and over in
my mind, rewriting the dialog slightly each time.  

But playing the movie was nothing like admitting the pity
party I organized and attended day after day.  This was a
hard pill for me to swallow.  

Yes.  It's hard to ACCEPT... but GET OVER IT.

Until you choose to accept your life exactly as it is,
you are going to bake your misery recipe every day.  If it's
revenge you want, then choose to become the happiest
woman on the planet.  Not only will you show him, but
you'll show you.  Being happy is a lot sweeter than all
those spiteful dialogs you run in your head.

Control what you say to yourself and you control your life.


Mistake #7...  Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who's the
Rightest One of All?

Tricky question.

And the mirror is likely to give you an answer
you are not expecting.

When you're attached to being right, you are living in the
past and hanging on to what was.

You get a psychic payoff by making him wrong.  And you
also get to relive some drama where you swore YOU
WOULD NEVER BE WRONG AGAIN.

If you remain unwilling to see your marriage differently,
you give your power to him.  Your rigid righteousness
enables him to control your emotions and your joy.

Is that what you really want?

... to be forever-controlled by your ex-husband?

That's the bittersweet reality of righteousness in a
relationship.  As long as you hold on to being right, you
will also limit your access to all of your positive emotions.

That was my GIANT AH-HA.  

I was so frustrated because happy things would happen to
me, joyful situations would occur and I didn't feel them
like everyone else.  It was shallow and temporary. 
Holding on to my righteousness just didn't allow
happiness and joy to reach my soul.

When you are willing to own the part you played in your
failed marriage - you take your power back.  

And the question you asked the MIRROR...
it won't matter anymore.

Mistake #8...  Keeping the Bed

When the divorce dust settles and you divide the spoils
of your life together and move forward to your separate
life... I want to encourage you to LET GO OF AS MUCH
STUFF AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

Especially the bed.

Stuff has energy and emotional connections to you and
your heart.  And it is liberating to release those
connections as soon as you possibly can.  

I know. I know. Some of the things you have acquired
represent a significant investment and so you have
financial ties as well as emotional ties.  This process of
releasing stuff is often the most difficult.

Start with the bed.

With feelings of anger, blame, resentment and failure
entangled in a divorce, the bed becomes a symbol of your
heartache that is easy to release.  

If you are like me, I hold on to everything.  Not only am I
a pack rat, but I hold on to clothes, shoes, papers, dishes,
with a stubborn avoidance that is stronger than the muscle
man grip on the Strongest Man in the World competition.

I HOLD ON tightly.

But, when it came to the bed... I wanted it removed as
quickly as possible.  I would have called Salvation Army
to come pick it up, but my ex relieved me of the bed (for
his new 4-bedroom house) and I was free of that
significant connection to him.

The bed was easy.

For months, I slept on a small trundle bed that I relocated
from the guest room before I moved forward on a bed of
my own.  But it was easy to let go and get it out of my life.

My letting go stopped there for a long time.  I finally had
to come to grips with the energy of letting go and the
strong connection of holding on.

I started in my closet.

I worked with a closet organizer.  I would call her a closet
therapist rather than an organizer and the process of
cleaning and clearing my closet was so frightening.  I was
stressed out for days before CLOSET DAY arrived.

I got rid of 70% of the clothes and shoes in my closet. 
70%!! This was so incredibly liberating.  And the
MOMENTUM TO RELEASE STUFF WAS INITIATED
AT LAST.  

I suddenly had room in my life for new stuff.

When you let go - you get in touch with who you are
underneath all the stuff.  And that woman is the woman
who will help you move forward to a meaningful life.


Mistake #9:  Getting Involved with the SAME
Man Again

Yes.  That's what happens.

He has a different body and a different name.  But if you
spend any time with him, his "dating" mask will fall away
and you will discover you are in a relationship with the
SAME MAN YOU JUST DIVORCED!

How does this happen?

It's a phenomenon of human nature.

Until and unless you change, you will attract to you the
same life lessons packaged up in new lovers, new friends
or new business partners.

You have, no doubt, been cautioned about getting into a
relationship on the rebound.  The reason that advice is
so profound is that you have not invested time in doing your
own spiritual work... You must face the lesson your
marriage brought to you.  

Until you understand and accept the part of you that
attracts a man like your ex... you will continue to attract
a man like him over and over.

It is our soul's calling to evolve and come to the altar with
ourselves.  The relationship you create with yourself and
YOUR TRUTH IS WHAT DETERMINES YOUR
MAGNETIC ATTRACTION.  

If you are anything like me, you are finished with guys
like your ex!  I wanted something completely different this
next time around... so I had to make sure I did not attract
the same guy NO MATTER WHAT.

To insure that you get that result - you must take the time
you need to have a quality relationship with yourself first.


Mistake #10:  Making Choices... So the Kids Like You

It's a fact.

Kids go through periods where they dislike you.  And
divorce can be one of those times.

Your children will learn to live and grow in a broken
home.  And it's up to you what they make that mean.

If they look at their family life as ruined, chances are that's
how you look at it.  YOUR FEAR AND YOUR
APPREHENSION create the reality in your home.

You can't sugar coat this feeling in a family.  You can't
push it away and pretend it's not there.  And you can't possibly
buy enough treats, toys, or electronics to make
everyone feel better.  

Whether they like you or not... depends on whether
YOU LIKE YOU.

Your children can live and grow in a healthy family
with ONE PARENT who honors and respects herself.  When
you live your life in accordance with your truth and when
you speak your truth openly, that's what your children learn.  

They learn the value of integrity and acceptance,
not the misery of blame and fear.

If they grow up in a family where the love between the
parents is sketchy, resentful or manipulative - that's what
they learn about love and relationships.

Make it your first objective to SPEAK YOUR TRUTH TO
YOUR CHILDREN.  Whether you are disciplining them
or rewarding them.  Stay true to yourself and you will have
children who understand how to communicate and how to
give voice to their feelings.


Almost one year after the day my ex moved out, I
made an accidental discovery that changed everything for me.

There were a lot of sleepless nights, numbed-out weekends,
and trying all kinds of support and self-help programs, some
that are even embarrassing to admit, but...

I finally figured it all out.

I found a deep, spiritual process that I pursued
for several months.

I am now happier than I could have ever imagined.  I have
more energy and enthusiasm for everything I do and
everyone I meet.  I have better health and physical fitness
than when I was in my twenties.  And my kids accept me
for who I am... because they see I AM SOMEONE
besides their Mom... or a business woman.

I get comments all the time from people who can't believe
my age.  I really look (and feel) 10 years younger than my
birth date would report.

It has been a rewarding experience.  I no longer live with
that sad, insecure, guilty feeling of being such a failure.  I
have the life and health that makes me feel good about
myself.  AND there is no way that I will ever attract a man
like my ex into my life again.

I have friends and clients that were in the same condition
that I was in... even worse... and I have shared my
discoveries with them as well... it has brought happiness
and health into their lives too.

Some of them cannot ever REMEMBER LOVING
THEMSELVES... but they do now.

It is truly a blessing to share what I have learned with so
many women who are treading water with no direction
or land in sight.

After many requests, I sat myself down, went through my
journal and started writing everything I learned into a
weekly newsletter.

My newsletters are short, easy-to-read and give you
strategies and methods for making changes in your life. 
This is not theory - this is my story and how I did it. 
And how you can do it too.

When you apply these ideas and action steps to your life
you can see for yourself that it really works.  If you decide
the weekly newsletters are not for you, you can just
unsubscribe at the bottom of the email.

The Healing Your Heart newsletters are free... so there is
no cost to you either way.

Why am I doing this?

I understand the pain you're going through.  I've been
there myself.

Most of the things I tried didn't work.  If someone had
been there for me, I would not have spent all those
miserable years...

So I feel it is my mission to help you get this information
that does work.

I made some incredible discoveries that I personally
believe can absolutely change our life if you
give them a try.

I'm a woman just like you who has struggled recovering
from my divorce for over 3 years.  Now you don't have to
spend all that time.

I look forward to helping you see the beautiful, amazing
woman you are each week.

I believe in you,

Theresa